Fün Tits
'Fün Tits '''is a Nord and one of the central characters in ''Skyrim For Pimps. Characteristics Fün is a quintessential mace-weilding, face-bashing warrior: typically she is seen to wield one weapon in each hand, though at the end of Season 1, she also used a Staff of Dread Zombie on Astrid's corpse. She begins the series as a human, being transformed into a vampire only later by Lord Harkon. When interacting with other series-specific characters, she is shown to be fairly self-centered and manipulative, even going so far as to employ Crotch Guzzler to retrieve the corpse of Astrid, leaving him waiting for a full night, and finally compensating him with an unintelligable pancake recipe. Biography Season 1 Being sidelined for the first episode in order to give the spotlight to Cock Nibbler, Fün first appears in the second episode of Season 1, "Quest For The Demon Horse Shadowmere". Fün got her name from her grandmother, and it is in not any way crass, as it is simply a traditional Nordic name. Fün assassinates Grelod the Kind for Aventus Aretino, and is visited by Astrid, whom she licks and becomes infatuated with. Fün begins her life as an assassin, killing beggers suffering from insomnia, wood cutters with rolling heads, and the like. In between missions, she constantly tries to win the affection of the Dark Brotherhood leader, Astrid: she wears sexy armor, shoves flowers in Astrid's face, slaps goat roast in her face, all to no avail. Unfortunately, she family-zones herself by calling herself Astrid's sister, and finds out that she is actually married to Arnbjorn, whom she hates. After being pranked by Astrid into going the Night Mother's coffin, Fün goes along with the prank and goes to the ruins of Volunruud and is told that she must kill the Emperor himself! Fün's quest for the demon horse quickly becomes forgotten as she finds herself killing the Emperor's cousin at her own wedding by turning into a werewolf and feasting on her corpse, bullying Silda the Unseen whenever she visits Windhelm, killing Gaius Maro in an act of "self defense" and annoying bards comparable to Justin Bieber. Through it all, Astrid remains unmoved by Fün's affection and repeatedly reffers to her as "sister" and finally Fün snaps and spills the contents of her journal to her... Astrid remains impassive. Then one day, Cicero goes crazy and tries to kill Astrid and Arnbjorn rushes after him. Astrid gives Fün Shadowmere and finally, Fün is able to get her demon horse--and the chance to kill Arnbjorn! Fün rides Shadowmere to the Dawnstar Sanctuary and confronts Arnbjorn and tires to kill him but hurts him so badly that she actually returns him to normal. Fün ventures inside the sanctuary, encounters a dead animal zoo and plays a game of skeever toss from her childhood, and finally confronts Cicero. Fün eletrocutes him to death and leaves him naked on the floor, donning his jester attire. Fün returns to the sanctuary and is given a task to kill the Gourmet Balagog gro-Nolob which sounds like a drunk guy trying to say "Bag of granola". Fün kills the Gourmet and dresses up as a chef upon arriving at the Emperor's tower where she instructs the cook with mishapen boobs to cook the meal, adding the jarrin root Astrid gave her to the recipe. The Emperor is killed and Fün escapes to the bridge--only to find an ambush waiting and Commander Maro annoucning that Fün had been sold out by someone in the organization! Unwilling to believe it, Fün returns to the sanctuary and finds it all burned to the ground and Astrid burned beyond recognition! Realizing that all along this had never been a prank and that Astrid had betrayed her, Fün reluctantly ends her love's life. But it isn't over yet. The real Emperor must be elliminated and Fün is just the gal for the job! Fün boards the Emperor's ship and fights her way through to his cabin where the Emperor has been waiting for her. He is accepting of his fate but asks that she kills the one that ordered his assasination. Fün agrees and kills him and leaves the ship, reflecting on her time with Astrid and all that could have been. Determined not to let her one true love go, Fün interrogates an old woman who reveals the location of the Flux Capacitor. Fün shoves the Flux Capacitor up Shadowmere's ass and travels back in time with him. The plan? To kill Astrid in order to reveal the location of Commander Maro, kill Commander Maro, and then go further back and tell her future self not to kill Astrid! Simple, right? Unfortunately, not so. Fün's future self would much rather kill Astrid and hump her corpse than listen to herself. Undetered, Fün rides Shadowmere further back with the intention of telling Astrid never to visit the shack where they met. She and Shadowmere go too back however, all the way back to the prequel Oblivion, in fact. There, Fün kills an innkeeper in an act of rage and returns to the present to find Astrid still dead and she suddenly remembers the Staff of Dread Zombie in her inventory which she uses to resurrect the recently deceased love interest. The spell wears off after 60 seconds however, but Fün is more than happy to spend the rest of her life down in a cave with the corpse of her lover, resurrecting her every sixty seconds until her death. Season 3 While resurrecting Astrid every sixty seconds is enjoyable, Fün Tits has grown bored and finally decides to leave the cave. She has heard talk of vampires and an organization called the Dawnguard. But it isn't vampire hunting Fün is interested in, instead she seeks to become a vampire, bite Astrid and make her alive again! Fün heads to the Dawnguard and is ordered to investigate Dim Hollow crypt where the vampires are seeking something. After fighting her way through hordes of impossibly tough vampires, Fün discovers a sealed crypt and inside is a sexy lady named Serana. Serana asks that Fün escort her to her home near Solitude. Despite that Fün loves Astrid she can't help but like Serana's attitude very much. When they arrive at the castle, Fün is greeted by a very ugly man, possibly a relative of Silda the Unseen. Once inside, Fün is approached by Harkon, Serana's father, and offered the gift of his vampire blood. Fün willingly accepts and is bitten quite sexily by Harkon and turned into a vampire lord (or lady) Fün's first mission is to travel to Redwater Den and recieve a chalice. Fün turns into a vampire lord and kills all the addicts and a vampire named Stalf whom she kills out of pity for having such a terrible name. Upon returning to Harkon, she is given a quest, none of which she really listens to. But the gist of it is that Harkon needs a moth priest to read scrolls revealing the location of Uriel's Bow, a powerful weapon that can black out the sun! Fün is more than happy to destroy the sun and even happier when Serana agrees to travel with her. While on the journey, Fün hits on Serana multiple times and begins to have feelings for her. They rescue the moth priest Dexion from the Dawnguard (all of whom wear fuckbuckles, even their dogs) but in order for the priest to be of any use, they need a scroll for him to read, one of which Serana believes vanished along with her mother. Fün and Serana travel to the Soul Cairn and along the way, Fün discovers that Serana speaks way too quietly and can never hear a thing she says. Once they enter the Soul Cairn, Fün meets the employees of McDonalds, all of whom are miserable and empty inside. She also helps a man find his horse named Arvaak. Fün also meets the Bone Man who sold bones to all the happy children when she was little. They eventually find Valerica (who has the same wierd part in her hair as Serana) and find that she is trapped by a magical barrier that can only be broken by killing the Keepers. Fün kills them with no trouble at all and Valerica is freed but warns them of a dragon that roams the area, a dragon with quite possibly the worst name ever--Durneviir. She also tells them that with Serana's blood... Harkon can complete the prophecy, making his daughter the key to his evil plan! Fün effortlessly kills Durneviir and retrieves the Elder Scroll foretelling the first part of the prophecy Harkon needs and Serana makes potions. Durneviir isn't quite dead however and confronts Fün and speaks to her painfully slowly, saying something about longing to be free outside of the Soul Cairn, but Fün doesn't listen and instead images him making Hallmark cards. Fün and Serana return to Harkon and Dexion reads the scroll, telling them of Auriel's Bow, the weapon needed to black out the sun, but can read no more without the second scroll. Fün travels to the Mages College and finds everyone dead and Crotch Guzzler in the Arcanium. Despite his forebodings about seeling her a scroll that could be used to black out the sun, covering the world in eternal night, Crotch sells Fün the scroll and she and Serana return to Dexion only to find him blind. Dexion is still able to instruct them however and tells them to go to a cave and perform a ritual. Fün and Serana travel to the cave and Fün attracts the moths to her and reads the scroll which reveals the location of the bow. After dispatching a few annoying Dawnguards , Fün and Serana travel to Darkfall cave and encounter a snow elf who aks them to kill his brother. They make their way to boring shrines, talk to boring priests, discover ancient itallian "pancake" recipes, fight two dragons and make fun of the shoddy way that the Falmer decorate their homes. Fün also pulls a few pranks on Serana. Finally, they confront Verthur and have a truly epic fight with him...Not. In fact, the closest Fün comes to dying is when she nearly falls throwing Verthur off the roof. They retrieve the bow and agree to end Harkon's corruption once and for all. After a truly difficult battle, Harkon is killed in one hit and Serana continues to travel with Fün. However, Fün finally remembers the true reason she set out to find the vampires--Astrid. Fün realizes that she may be forced to choose between Serana and Astrid if the latter is resurrected. Fün goes to Crotch Guzzler and asks if he knows a spell that can perminently bring Astrid back. She offers him the "pancake" recipe in return for his services and Crotch reluctantly agrees to help her. Crotch returns with a fully resurrected Astrid and Fün is forced to make the hard choice: Astrid or Serana? Knowing just who can solve her dillemma, Astrid visits the Oracles and they tell her that "it takes two to make a thing go right" and Fün realizes that is has been obvious all along and chooses both. Season 4 Fün's adventure begins with the long-anticipated murder of Ainethach. Fün has been tidying up loose ends to all her adventures as she plans to retire from adventuring and spend time with her girlfriends Astrid and Serana. She returns to Whiterun and is attacked by three masked cultists claiming to work for a man named "Miraak". After destroying them, Fün enters her home and finds Astrid and Serana dead. Fün travels to Windhelm and boards a boat that will take her to Solsthiem where Miraak lives. Upon arriving, she discovers that the people of Ravenrock are rather odd: some of them slave over a structure just on the outskirts of town and talk to themselves, some of them seem to like standing in front of Fün while she is trying to have a conversation, some of them hammer things right next to her head, some of them sell exotic ingredients like curry flavored lube, or at least that is what Fün wishes the merchants would sell. Fün is approached by a wizard named Neloth and told that if she is lookign for Miraak, she should travel to his temple. Fün rides Arvaak to the temple and meets a Nord named Frea and they venture into Miraak's temple together, fighting through hordes of draugr. Fün begins to quite like Frea. They eventually stumble upon a mysterious "black book" full of the names of Frea's ex-boyfriends. Fün reads the book and is sucked into it and finds Miraak on the other side, mocking her. Fün regains conciousness and finds Frea waiting for her and telling her that they should visit her village. Once they arrive at the village, Fün sees the village inhabitants gathered around a fire and mistakenly thinks it is a dance circle and wears a sexy outfit and dances. But when no one responds, Fün realizes the dire situation they are in and agrees to help Frea's father free the people of his village from Miraak's mind control. After freeing the vilagers, Fün asks Frea's father for help stopping Miraak and he sends her to Neloth the Dickromancer and she and Neloth travel to a boring Dwarven ruin together where Fün mostly zones out on everything Neloth tells her and is more preoccupied with trying to find a way to sneak off and pee. Fün finds the book and enters Miraak's Library; a world full of pools of revitalising green slime, sexual tentacles, flying books, foul tempered librarians, and Herman Melvile who talks slower than molasses. Fün is reported surpisingly sane by Neloth and then sidetracked into helping him find his assistant Varona...who is dead and naked in the desert. Upon further investigation, Fün deduces that Varona was not indeed raped by Ash spawns but instead was simply killed whilst running about in the nude as shown by the clothes shoved up her various crevices. Neloth asks Fün to fidn him a new steward and Fün returns to the Skaal village to try and Fün tells Frea's father Storn that Herman Melvile will give up the final word of power needed to defeat Miraak in exchange for the Skaal's secrets. Fün tries to encourage Frea to travel with her. Frea leads her on and then dashes her hopes by saying that her duty is to her people. Depressed, Fün roams the village and tries to spill her sorrows to a grumpy villager who instead tells her that someone form the village is missing. Needing a break from the village, Fün travels back to Ravenrock and stumbles upon Severin Manor which she instantly takes a liking to. Fün resumes her search for a steward and asks a drug addicted, alcoholic homeless woman to do it, but she refuses. She eventually finds a Dunmer to do it and picks up a traveling companion named Teldryn Sero. She also goes to retrieve a pickaxe from an old man named Crecious and spares him no expense of Lord of the Rings jokes. Fün proceeds with reckless abandon into the mine to search for Crecious' precious journal and meets Draugr Turdlords, the Draugr that couldn't afford to go to Deathlord school. She also finds the Temple of Doom. After pranking Teldryn into running into traps, Fün kills a Dragonpriest and finds another black book and she enters the world she now calls "Library Land". After leaving Library Land, Fün is sent to Adril Arano who needs her help. House Hlabuhlala has placed a deathmark on the Councilor of Ravenrock and it is up to Fün--as usual-- to end the threat. Fün goes to the Standing Spot in the House Hlabuhlala tomb and waits for the tomb's visitor, Silisu Severin who is behind the plot to kill the Councilor. Fün goes to search the Severin's home and winds up severin' their heads and to her delight, realizes that she can now have their house! Fün is sent to Marshmallow Citadel to end the threat to the Councilor, Mashrmallow Citadel, where the walls are made of chocolate and the floors are made of meat., the floors are made of pudding and the doors are made of wood. Fün kills the remaining Severins and returns to Ravenrock where she is led to Councilor Morvayn despite only being a few feet from him and Fün is awarded Severin manor. Fün checks on Neloth's new servant. Neloth is mostly happy, but is disappointed with the quality of his servant's Anus Root tea. Fün accidentally reads another black book and is sucked into Library Land and she rides the Tit Flicker. Fün continues the search for the missing blacksmith from the Skall village and encounters the comedy goblins, she also finds a treasure map! Fün travels around the island, fighting and by entertained by the comedy goblins, and discovers all the pieces of the breathbeard armor and the key to a crypt ful of gold! Fün finally finds the lost blacksmith who's being held hostage by the Thalmor! Fün is sent by the blacksmith to retrieve a map stolen by the Thalmor detailing the location of Stalhrim. Fün travels to a boat, kills the magical, disappearing Thalmor and reclaims the map. Well, actually, she just asks for the map and the Thalmor leave the island. But the Thalmor really were magical and of the cookie making variety, rather than the ones that make cereal. Fün returns the map and is approached by an old douchebag named Thorstan. Despite that the blacksmith is blasting flames behind her and making hearing the old douchebag impossible, Fün agrees to help him with whatever it is that he needs help with (from what she hears, he needs to go to a tomb that was opened by an earthworm). Fün mistakes a woman for Frea but winds up helping her speaking to her son Nikulas (or as Fün calls him; Nickleberry fuck) and she persuades him to stay in the village and is rewarded with grass. Fün travels to the ruins with Tharstan and sees a flaming pit that requires a sacrifice to open the door to the next area. Fün tries to sacrifice Tharstan but he jumps right back up from the pit. Fün then notices that the door was already open from the start. Fün has to solve a series of puzzles in order to find two halves of a claw. She fights the pushover Jailer Vahlak and is rewarded 1000 gold, but has no clue what the heck she just did. Fün discovers a mysterious shack with a note telling someone to meet here at midnight and Fün eagerly waits, flirting with Teldryn all the while only to recieve no response. Fün follows the path that the arrow took and travels to a really crappy Dwemer ruin and tries to make it fun, but fails after falling into dozens of traps and getting chomped on by Dwemer constructs. She tries to solve a puzzle to unlock some kind of amazing treasure and has to constantly rush back to see "what the door" in order to figure out the combination to unlock a an area. Once she unlocks the door, she hurries to the top only to find out that the door unlocked nothing except a really cool view. To make up for the shitty Dwemer ruins, Fün goes and fights some comedy goblins and discovers a cave full of spider-throwing hermits and another black book. Fün helps a tribe of Comedy Goblins get rid of the Nords trying to invade their home and she battles the Nords alongside the adorable Comedy Goblins and she becomes their leader and she books a gig for them at Carnegie Hall but upon noticing the confused looks on their faces, realizes that the only goblin--the chief-- that spoke English is dead. Fün decides she has had enough dicking around and wants her girlfriends back and travels to the Skall village where she asks if Storn will trade the Skal's secrets in exchange for the final word of power needed to end Miraak. Storn sacrifices himself and is bored to death and Fün reads the final black book, learns the final word of power and returns to Library Land, fighting her way through monsters and a boss battle she didn't see coming, Zombie Mega Hroar, whom she vaguely recognizes from the orphanage where she killed Grelod the Kind. Fün rides a dragon to Miraak's location and finds him waiting for her, but he isn't who she thinks he is! He is... Crotch Guzzler, and this has all been his revenge on Fün for the pancake recipe she sold him that killed his family! Fün and Crotch battle and neither shows any sign of giving in until the other is dead! And from up high, a voice commands them to stop fighting! It is Cock Nibbler, a character from the pilot of Skyrim for Pimps and he orders them both to stop fighting, telling them that their fans would be very sad if either of them died. He consoles Crotch by telling him that he has arranged a padded cell full of skulls for him, and he convinces Fün to move on from Astrid and Serana and to start anew with Frea, whom he has loaded up on drugs to make her like Fün more. Fün goes to Frea and asks her to be her companion. Frea accepts and Fün is overjoyed and together, they shake their booties into the sunset. Season 5 Fün Tits does not make much of an appearence in the fifth season, but appears a few times. First in the episode "When Tits Met Balls" , in which she complains about her problems with Astrid to S'oggy Balls and he gives her Werewolf Blood as well as the Axe of Wuuthrad. She reappears in "How to Kill a Dragonborn" shortly after S'oggy Balls witnesses Crotch Guzzler's suicide at the College of Winterhold. In the final episode of the fifth season, she aids the other two Dragonborn, along with Frea and Brad the bard in the brutal, but some could say deserved murder of S'oggy Balls. She apologizes for not paying for the werewolf blood that he gifted her, and then stands quietly, waiting, until she takes out her crossbow and fires multiple shots into S'oggy Balls. Though she takes no action in the murder of Aela, and S'oggy's unborn child. Quotes *''"Hey everybody, wassup? What's happenin', bitches?"'' ("Lover's Quarrel" , upon arriving at Markarth) *"Oh Jesus, Horse ... Look at you go." ("Behold...SHADOWMERE! ", when Horse catches on fire... for the quadrillionth time) Category:Main Characters